"Robots"

J: Today we want to talk about—um—it. Doing it.

A: [Laugh.] Just say what you mean.

J: But you know what I mean. So does everybody else.

A: [Shaking head.] OK. So we’ve known each other a long time.

J: Yeah—25 years or something!

A: And in all that time, you’d think—well, things would get a little boring.

J: Well—they have gotten kinda boring from time to time.

A: I wasn’t bored. I was just frustrated.

J: OK, frustrated. We can call it that.

[Gets up and goes behind the podium where an oversized bottle of beer is waiting. Uncaps the beer and takes a long drink.]

But people are probably wondering, you know, what’s our secret.

A: And we do have one.

J: Yep. Two. Robots.

A: You heard that right. Robots.

J: We've had the same fights, over and over. A million times! It’s gotten so that we don’t even need to have these fights anymore. They’re so yesterday! So...fifteen or twenty years ago!

A: That’s the downside of knowing each other so long. But with robots, that problem is over. Solved.

J: Yeah. The robots can have the fights now.

A: We just program the robots and let them slug it out. And we can go on having fun. Enjoying each other’s company! Just like married people are supposed to do.

J: Yeah, and so rarely actually do.

A: It’s like marriage can be one big failure. One big let-down. I see it from Tallulah’s perspective. Old people yammering in raised voices about something incomprehensible and repetitive. How stupid is that? Let’s move on. It’s the twenty-first century! Let robots feel the pain!

[They kiss.]

T: [Appears stage right, with the two robots.] Ew, gross—kissing! Can I kiss, too?

A: Here they are.

[The robots start arguing. A and J share the beer and root for their bot. They have remotes and occasionally aim them at the robots to mix up the battle.]

J: You can be as involved as you’d like. Usually we just turn them on when we feel the urge and hit auto, because who has the time?

A: [Describes the programming parameters, networking ability, open architecture, and logic parity in some detail.] So you see, nobody gets an obvious advantage. Meaning, it’s fair play!

J: Occasionally we learn something from the exchange, but mainly they’re just taking over a dull task. Leaving us available for more creative pursuits.

A: Welcome to the future.